The Secret Life of a PLHIV
By Thad Hinunangan, MD
According of the Department of Health Epidemiology Bureau, there are 32 newly diagnosed Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) cases per day, almost triple than that of the year 2013 wherein 13 new HIV cases were diagnosed per day.
Ninety six percent of those newly diagnosed were male, with a median age of 28 years old. Sexual contact remains the predominant mode of transmission, accounting for 98 percent of cases, 88 percent of these were ‘men who have sex with men’ (MSM).
By December 2018, a total of 33, 575 people living with HIV (PLHIV) were on Antiretroviral Treatment (ART), and there are a total of 3,054 cases of reported deaths among PLHIV from January 1984, when the first HIV case was reported in the country, up to December 2018.
People living with HIV are faced with stigma and discrimination, despite the Philippine Laws Protecting them. To get a closer look into the secret lives of Filipinos living with HIV, social media personality @ PozitiveReality, shares his HIV story in his own words (This piece was given permission by the blogger for publishing).
It all began first week of December 2017, two months after signing up for a new managerial job in Makati City. I was happy that I’ve spotted an opportunity right off the bat before year-end. With all the lows I was subjected to endure, I thought I was finally walking out of the storm. I was wrong. The howling wind remained, wanting to crush and bend me out of shape.
Just as the pre-holiday work demand started peaking, it was when I got really sick. Nothing alarming, I thought. I often catch the flu especially during “ber months” and more than one person has been adversely affected in the office. Flu was really common and there’s always something to be blamed in times like these; it must be the weather, the person who sneezed at arm’s length in the lobby, the food we bought from the Jolly Jeep, shift of schedule, location, dust, etc…
For the first time, my immune system failed me and I did not get well, sooner than expected. I rushed myself in Makati Med seven days later when I kept having 40 degrees fever that lasted for an hour or two, every single day. I also began losing weight and some colleagues noticed that I looked unusually pallid. The whole situation was awful but I never excused myself from work.
Christmas came and I felt better. I thought I only needed to pause, recharge and clear my head from any stress since I’ve been living a harried life. I brushed off the idea that something has gone wrong and despite the lingering depression, I convinced myself that life must go on.
December 31, 2017: I was out of town and I have fallen sicker but still pretended to be a tough cookie and festively relished the last day of the year with my family. I couldn’t imagine how I managed to travel back in the city by January 1st and resumed work by the 2nd. I was back in the hospital after another week and my doctor prescribed Azithromycin and Prednisone. The steroids only gave me sleepless nights.
I visited a pulmonologist the same week when my cough remained persistent and after several lab tests, I was finally diagnosed with Pulmonary Tuberculosis. It’s something I didn’t expect to get in a million years. My world came crumbling down when I succumbed to another series of depression (courtesy of WebMD, most of the time). Still in disbelief, I left my job and retreated in the province to focus 100 percent on my health. I was endorsed to DOTS and received the standard TB treatment for 6 months but maybe because of extreme fear and stigma, I refused to be screened with HIV.
It was stressed several times that PTB is most likely to advance with people who have immune disorders but I punctuated that I was diagnosed with Diabetes mellitus type 2 (DM-II) five years ago. It was obviously the reason why I caught this disease. It was playing tricks on my immunity. I also told the facility that I used to smoke heavily so the screening was dismissed.
DM-II and HIV? That’s just too much for one heart! I’d rather die not knowing, I thought.
I was teetering on the edge and I felt hopeless during the course. Visiting the facility on a monthly basis was also a challenge. We made sure that it’s always marked with stealth and caution because I felt ashamed. I didn’t want to be talked about or someone I knew might recognize me. My family played a huge part in taking good care of me. I slowly regained my strength and got back in tip-top shape like nothing happened within seven months. I religiously adhered to my health routine and everything I’ve done required conscious effort.
Around late August 2018, I landed on a new job in Ortigas but exactly after a month, red blisters started appearing on my left torso and I was in excruciating pain so I decided to go absence without leave (AWOL). It was very unprofessional but I was really scared. My condition started getting too deep. My mental picture of HIV symptoms came as vivid as a photograph and I could no longer run away. I knew this was not just DM-II. I knew this was going to happen but I kept on denying, unwilling to believe.
I felt all alone in facing this ordeal and I began loathing myself for being careless, horny and stupid. Yes, I must be positive with HIV but I can’t just assume. I needed to face my fear at some point so I decided to buy a rapid blood test kit online.
September 29 2018, I extracted some blood and after 10-15 minutes, I saw two red lines in the test kit. I was HIV positive. In that wilted stillness, I’ve only decided on two options: I could kill myself or keep on living. I knew for certain that I was already in a point of no return but, there’s got to be more to life. I chose the latter.
I had a long and agonizing night. I tried reading but I only paged desultorily on a book to which every word made no sense. I tried watching TV but it only let my mind filled with abstract whirl of motions and ripple-flare of changing colors.
I suddenly felt slipping away but I had no choice but to help myself. I may not be fully prepared for this new journey but as they say, it all begins with a single step. Well, a few steps actually. I walked to a hub near me the following day.
I felt a hundred mixed emotions that seemed to have lasted for eternity as I stared blankly in those two red lines indicating a reactive result.
In that moment, my world suddenly stopped and there was only silence. The stillness around was so oppressive leaving me deaf even to the labor of my own heart. Questions flooded my mind…
“Can my body tolerate the unpleasant ARV side effects?”
“Should I tell this situation to my friends?”
“Will I get opportunistic infections?”
“What options do I have?”
“Can I still have kids?”
“Can I still travel?”
“Am I dying?”
I had no answer to any of these but as a trooper that I am, I knew that I can roll with the punches soon as I figure things out. Two months later, I became a better version of myself with everything that I’ve learned. I was happier and healthier than ever. A complete antithesis of what I imagined.
I must have a bigger purpose.
***
Browsing through @PozitiveReality’s wordpress blog it was filled with insights about the struggles about living with HIV. He was right when he said he had a bigger purpose- he narrates helpful information to PLHIV like how to apply for a social disability card, he also introspects a lot and such honest revelations help one understand the struggles of PLHIV.
Speaking as a physician, people can learn a lot about the importance of getting tested for HIV. There should be no stigma, and people who are at risk should be tested regularly through social hygiene clinics like Love Yourself, that provide free HIV testing for individuals in a safe environment.
Adherence to anti-retroviral therapies have proven PLHIV can live normal lives. The sooner the treatment is started, the better the chances of stopping the devastating effects of immunodeficiency. If you think you are at risk, get tested today.
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